There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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