I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
