apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
