you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
