No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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