Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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