Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
