There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
