Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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