She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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