my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
