The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
