Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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