I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
