Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
