They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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