my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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