God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
