so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
