happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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