I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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