Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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