I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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