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I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
