I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
birth control should be required to get into college
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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