I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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