you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
