Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
