Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
