Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
