I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can I color on your dick again?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
