fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Come see our sink grown plant.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
