I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
