Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
