She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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