If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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