JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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