I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
