So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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