I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
