WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
