Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
