I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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