I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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