I could make wine with my vomit
I am midnight drunk by noon
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
