so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
