Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
