I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
