I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
