I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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