Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
