im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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