3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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