i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
