it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
