You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
