my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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